Once upon a time, she ventured out into the forest in search of new and exciting things to lick. She found rocks, and moss, and even a dead mole (that was exciting!) but she remained unsatisfied. And then, she got to a house in the middle of the woods, where three bears lived. Being what some people would call a “bad dog,” and not knowing much about visitation etiquette, Goldilicks nosed open the door and walked right in.
The bears must have been going bye-bye walk, because their house was completely empty, except for some porridge cooling on the dining room table. It was interesting porridge, to be sure, but Goldilicks was more interested in feet.
The chairs had feet. She licked them, but they were just too hard. And the sofa had feet. She licked them, but they had just been polished and they left an icky lemony taste on her tongue. The table also had feet. She licked them, and they were just right! She could have sat there licking the table’s feet all day, but eventually she licked the varnish right off them, and then they weren’t just right anymore. They left wood splinters in her tongue!
So Goldilicks went on in search of bigger and better things—that is., tastier feet. There weren’t many more feet downstairs, so she worked her way to the second floor, where there were feet galore! Bed feet and armchair feet and desk feet and vanity feet and bathtub feet and more! Goldilicks took her time and licked them all. She spent so much time that the bears came home and found this orally fixated golden retriever salivating over all their furniture! Naturally this did not quite please them, and they yelled at Goldilicks vociferously.
Goldilicks decided to lick their feet, and they were just right! And the bears thought Goldilicks’s tongue kind of tickled and it didn’t feel half-bad, so they never did get around to calling her a “bad dog” or reporting her to the humane society.
